I’m supposed to be studying for a final, instead I’m all-together distracting myself on the computer. Wouldn’t matter a whole lot, I can’t get my thought pattern off this one track. Went on a date yesterday with a real nice guy, talked to him today, past couple hours he hasnt responded to anything. I could be freaking out over nothing, however, given my history it could also be what it feels like. Try as I might to believe he’s busy, lost his phone, can’t get a connection.. I just can’t seem to pull my mind off of this constant nagging crap. Not only that, but I blame myself, again. I was also persuing another guy, and I can’t help but think this is my punishment for two-timing or for the fact that I messed around with a guy in a relationship. Nevermind. He just texted me. Oh lord, what will I do with my life when an actual problem occurs.

Sometimes, I feel like Snooki.

Every guy that comes into my life I think, “this could be my next boyfriend.” I get worked up, I don’t play it cool, something goes wrong, and I end up hurt. I do it to myself. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Be cool, girl. Breeeaaathe. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

Just curious.. why is it always guys who already have girlfriends that are interested in me? I don’t know how many times I call up my sister telling her about the latest guy, and having to end the explanation with, “but he has a girlfriend.” I don’t even think they have actually feelings for me, they just want to get in bed with me. Jesse came over last night (if you recall, we’ve spoken about him before), the girl he stopped seeing me for is the same girl he just cheated on.. with me (not sex, by the way). What kind of sense does this make? Pick one or the other, man. I just can’t make up my mind about if I should feel bad or not, while I know it’s wrong to be with a guy who has a girlfriend (and I also feel like this is really bad for my karma), I also feel like it’s his choice on who he wants to be with and why should I say no to it because of her. Yea, if I was in her place, I’d hate me, but I’m thinkin’ it’d make more sense to be hating him. Fuckin’ conscience. Jesse is cute and all that business, but as far as trying to date him I think I may be done with that.

Right now, I feel so fed up with trying to be sweet and date the opposite sex that I have no true concerns about whether or not something is going to work out. They can come and go for all I care. No focus. Just doing what I want, when it feels right. Maybe something will pop up, maybe it wont. Blame it on the time of the season and having other, happier things, to look forward to.

By the way, it’s the first day of snow this winter!!