Leila Marie

leilamarie — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 05:53:25 +0000

I’m supposed to be studying for a final, instead I’m all-together distracting myself on the computer. Wouldn’t matter a whole lot, I can’t get my thought pattern off this one track. Went on a date yesterday with a real nice guy, talked to him today, past couple hours he hasnt responded to anything. I could be freaking out over nothing, however, given my history it could also be what it feels like. Try as I might to believe he’s busy, lost his phone, can’t get a connection.. I just can’t seem to pull my mind off of this constant nagging crap. Not only that, but I blame myself, again. I was also persuing another guy, and I can’t help but think this is my punishment for two-timing or for the fact that I messed around with a guy in a relationship. Nevermind. He just texted me. Oh lord, what will I do with my life when an actual problem occurs.

Sometimes, I feel like Snooki.

Every guy that comes into my life I think, “this could be my next boyfriend.” I get worked up, I don’t play it cool, something goes wrong, and I end up hurt. I do it to myself. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Be cool, girl. Breeeaaathe. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

leilamarie — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:02:08 +0000

Just curious.. why is it always guys who already have girlfriends that are interested in me? I don’t know how many times I call up my sister telling her about the latest guy, and having to end the explanation with, “but he has a girlfriend.” I don’t even think they have actually feelings for me, they just want to get in bed with me. Jesse came over last night (if you recall, we’ve spoken about him before), the girl he stopped seeing me for is the same girl he just cheated on.. with me (not sex, by the way). What kind of sense does this make? Pick one or the other, man. I just can’t make up my mind about if I should feel bad or not, while I know it’s wrong to be with a guy who has a girlfriend (and I also feel like this is really bad for my karma), I also feel like it’s his choice on who he wants to be with and why should I say no to it because of her. Yea, if I was in her place, I’d hate me, but I’m thinkin’ it’d make more sense to be hating him. Fuckin’ conscience. Jesse is cute and all that business, but as far as trying to date him I think I may be done with that.

Right now, I feel so fed up with trying to be sweet and date the opposite sex that I have no true concerns about whether or not something is going to work out. They can come and go for all I care. No focus. Just doing what I want, when it feels right. Maybe something will pop up, maybe it wont. Blame it on the time of the season and having other, happier things, to look forward to.

By the way, it’s the first day of snow this winter!!

leilamarie — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:59:54 +0000

The other night was so sweet. Jeremy wasn’t home, so I brought Bailey back to the apartment with me.

Heat was up. Grinch was on. Bailey was snuggly.

I love that dog so much, I don’t know what my world will be like when he’s gone. True love is that of a dog.

leilamarie — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 06:33:45 +0000

I hate being single. I fucking hate it. Everyone around me is in a relationship, and I want it so bad. It pisses me the fuck off that I can’t seem to find it, and I don’t understand why. It’s not that I can’t get someone decent to date me or like me, because I can. It’s just never, ever mutual. If I want them, they don’t want me. If they want me, I don’t want them. I don’t get it. It’s stupid as shit. I don’t want to push it and pressure it, but you always hear that the more you try, the farther away you get. I hate feeling helpless, if I want it, I should be able to go out and get it, no? Fuckin’ shit man, fuckin’ shit.

leilamarie — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:13:58 +0000

Another one bites the dust. Damnit.

leilamarie — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 20:58:48 +0000

I went in today to Sky Hi Bar and Grill to apply, and scored myself a new job. After all that whining, things came together. Yesterday I was given lemons, today, I’m makin’ lemonade.

leilamarie — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 06:28:46 +0000

I feel like puking. I got fired from my job of a year and a half at Applebees tonight. Undercover minors were sat in my section, I was dumb enough to not card them. When I came back from the table they were gone, and a police officer in their place. I go to court in January, but I’m less concerned about that, and more concerned about the fact that I don’t get to return back to a job I loved. It happened so fast, and it feels so surreal. I keep replaying it over, and over again in my head. The more I do, the more I regret it. It was stupid, beyond stupid. I take full responsibility, it was my fault and no one else’s. Though I will say, those little minor fuckers have quite a lot of nerve with that as a job. What a shitty fucking thing to do to someone, tricky little bastards. This isn’t something I can “feel better” about, it’s something that is just going to take acceptance and time. This losing of a job kind of stuff usually has a hint, or a working up to, like you know it’s coming. But this feels like a break-up out of nowhere. I feel decieved. Like some mean, hateful person just came into my life to set me up. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened. My manager was more than kind about it, stating that this was the “most difficult thing he’s had to do as a manager”. Hearing that was nice, having to hear it sucked. Tomorrow, I look for other jobs.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace. Taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that he will make all things right if I surrender to his will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with him. Forever in the next. Amen.

leilamarie — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:01:08 +0000

Dare I do it? Dare I bring it up in a post, make it known. I’ve only told one person, its not the biggest deal ever, but it is for a typically lonely person. I met someone, and so far it looks promising. Since the first day we met, we saw each other every day because we both wanted to. Yesterday was the first day we didnt see each other, which will, sadly, continue into today, and tomorrow. Concert with him on Wednesday. I don’t want to jinx it, which is my biggest fear. Not that I’m in love with this guy already, by any means. This just feels so natural, and for the first time in a long time I’m not concerned about the fact that he will stop talking to me out of the bumfuck-blue (knock on wood). I have criteria, okay? And this one has it met. Not falling too hard, too fast, just excited. I didn’t think this would happen for me. I realize, we still have no title, but I think we will. Either way, it’s so nice to know that it wasn’t me. The whole time, it’s not me. And he’s so cute, stupid as I may sound, I feel lucky. A little nervous, why me? But still, lucky it’s me.

My birthday kind of sucked. I meant to say something about that. Everyone just seemed too busy, and my birthday was kind of kicked back into the back of everyone’s minds. I got a couple really sweet voicemails from my Grandma Meme, that day and the following that just made my eyes well up. Only because she knows how I was feeling without ever having spoken to me about it. I love her, I want to be just like her.

I have been happy lately, though. Blame it on the new guy, I don’t really care what it is attributed to. It’s a nice change of pace. I feel eager and excited all the time. Something to look forward to. Also, as mentioned before, discovering new music is a great feeling. Note to self: if you ever come back and read these, and have gotten completely lost in the world, having forgotten about the feeling of good old loud ass music to heal.. rediscover it. It will save you.

leilamarie — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:58:00 +0000

Apartment to myself, Jeremy is in Kansas City and I kind of miss him. With my night off, I had dinner with Whitney, who I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned, but she is such a great friend. Came home to a warmed up apartment, as I left the heat on. It’s getting freaking cold already. Not happy about that. I’ve also managed to turn pumpkin shaped cookies into blobs, which Whitney so kindly comforted me by saying “well blobs are scary too!” A reason I love her. On to plan B; circle cookies with icing pumpkin faces.

This entire past week I’ve had some new dude to write about, and then went against the writing after deciding that I need to fill my life and concerns with different things. This one was a doozy, but it is what it is.. and it is, I think, over. For now, whatever. I have NO idea.

Half way done through my first school year at MU, and I have to say, I’m pretty much loving it. Not looking forward to three more years of it, but I like it.

Discovered a new band, who I can’t get enough of. Mumford and Sons.

Don’t really have much else to say. Had time alone, felt like I needed to write something. Sorry it’s not more insightful. Trying to stay in my blobby-cookie-good-music-happy-place.

leilamarie — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 06:38:44 +0000

I am hoping for the best. Always, always.. hoping for the best.